Anxiety and Panic Part 1

Let’s go to MC Donald’s to have something to eat Andy said. ‘’Do we really have to it’s so unhealthy, we eat too often unhealthy food’’. Yeah why not let’s do it.
We’re walking in the Mc Donald’s. Almost ready to order. I keep on thinking it’s all so unhealthy. I decide to have a cheese burger. When I’m going to eat this burger I’ll probably get a heart attack. It will block all my veins because it’s so unhealthy and I will die. I’m eating my first bite. I feel my throat tighten. Ohh god.. I’m also allergic for this burger. I don’t want to worry Andy that anything is wrong. I eat another bite. My throat tightness even more. Because of my allergic reaction my throat will block and I can’t breathe anymore. I will suffocate. I’m dying.
My legs are getting restless. I try to eat my burger fast to get over with it. Still don’t say anything to Andy.
My neck tightness more and more. I’m really suffocating I can’t breathe anymore my hands are all sweating. I’M DYING. This is it.
I have to escape this situation. I manage to say to Andy Panic Attack and I run off outside.
I’m walking fast trying to escape the situation. Still not able to breathe… Walking faster and faster. The further I’m away of the place where it all happened the safer I am. But it doesn’t help. I’m in real panic. Many thoughts go through my head. I want to ask people to call an ambulance because I’m dying. I want to scream that I’m dying. Someone needs to help me from not dying. I decide to call my mom.. no answer.. I try to call my sister no answer.. I try to call my aunt no answer.. I try to call my mom again, yes she finally picked up her phone. Still walking trying to escape the situation my mom finally tries to calm me down. The tightening feeling in my throat goes away and I can breathe normal again. I’m still scared though and want to go home.. To my safe place.

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 Above was a situation of a panic attack I had before. I suffered not that long ago from very bad anxiety compared with panic attacks.
I’d like to share my experience and what I have done to get this under control. In the end I will also give some tips what helped me the most to over win this horrible thing.
I’m going to do this in two parts otherwise it will be too much in one go. Today I’m talking about my experiences with anxiety and panic.

From a very young age I have been anxious about loads of things. One thing was dying. I was anxious about dying when I was only 8 years old or something. I remember there was a meningitis B outbreak and everyone was talking about it. On the news they talked many times about kids dying because of the meningitis B virus. Eventually I knew the symptoms what you could get. One of the symptoms was that your neck would get stiff and you wouldn’t be able to put your chin on your breast anymore. Several times a day I checked if I still could put my chin on my breast. That was for me a sign that I was ok, it only lasted for a bit and then I had to check it again. I don’t know for how long I have been scared to get meningitis B but I can tell it lasted for quit a long time.
This experience is one of the biggest things I can remember when I was younger with being anxious about dying. But being anxious is actually a big red line in my life as long as I can remember.

First I was only anxious but then I got my first panic attack when I was 12 years old. I lay in bed and noticed I had trouble with breathing. I tried to get it under control myself but it only got worse. I decided to go downstairs to tell my Dad. He said I should try cough syrup. I knew it wasn’t a bad cough I had but I was too scared to tell my dad that I thought I was suffocating. As I thought I would really die when I mentioned what I felt. So I took the cough syrup and went back to bed. Back in bed it only got worse, got all sweaty and panicked. Now I decided to go to my mom, she was already sleeping but I had to do something. I told her I couldn’t breathe. She immediately recognised that I was hyperventilating. That was immediately a relief to me. I knew what hyperventilating meant so I knew I wasn’t dying. My mom calmed me down and I was fine after.

I didn’t had a panic attack for a long time after my first one. The anxiety stayed though. The anxiety wasn’t as bad all the time. I had good times and bad times.

Two years ago the panic attacks came back again. I had one but then for a longer time no attacks anymore. When I was 27 weeks pregnant that was last year I got a panic attack again. During the rest of my pregnancy I suffered a lot with anxiety. I didn’t had an attack anymore but was anxious about drying the whole time.

 I lost more blood then normal after my delivery and the nurses and midwifes had all worried faces so you can imagine that I was very scared at that time. I didn’t had a proper panic attack then but was so scared I would die. I was looking at my new born baby and thought he had to grow up not even knowing his mom.
The first week after Oliver was born wasn’t the happiest time for me. Maybe when my close family reads this they thing what are you talking about as I never told anyone about the thoughts or feelings I had then. I was still scared off dying. After delivery it’s normal that you have blood loss the one woman more than the other. I didn’t even had that much blood loss the weeks after but I thought the whole time ‘soon there will come a gush of blood and I will die’.

After Oliver was born I was very anxious and started to get more panic attacks in a short time. Sometimes two attacks in one week. I thought something had to change as this wasn’t nice to live with, especially not when you just had your baby. I was only worried that he would never grow up with his mom.

Next week you can read about what I have done to get my anxiety and panic under control. I will also share some helpful tips what maybe can help you if you’re suffering with this.

X Iva


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